An Anxious Girl In A Scary World

I am a river. Go with the flow. The past couple of days I’ve had to say this to myself repeatedly. Things were getting pretty hectic at work and I was becoming extremely frustrated, agitated, and stressed out. I was receiving a lot of attitude from my new managers when I tried to help them correct mistakes they were making or inform them of things they didn’t know. I had tried numerous times to offer advice and help but they wanted nothing to do with it. They would basically just say, “fuck it, I’m doing it my way,” regardless of if it were wrong or right. The store was constantly in a state of chaos. It was driving me nuts! Especially because I was trying to do my best to help them succeed and I was met with nothing but attitude. So, because of all the hullabaloo, I was coming home after every shift with the weight of everything that happened at work on my shoulders. Not only had all the stress begun to affect my workmanship but it also started affecting my home life. I wa...

Good afternoon! So I’m sure I’ve already made a post about getting feedback from you all but I wanted to post it again because I really really would love if you guys would share your opinions or thoughts or feedback. At the top left corner of my blog there are three little dashes that you can click to open up a sidebar. On the sidebar you can find a little blurb about me, a follow by email link where you can get email updates any time I submit a blog post, and towards the bottom there is a section were you can write to me. The message will go directly to my personal email associated with the blog. You don't have to name yourself if you feel uncomfortable doing so. Things you can message me about: - topics you want me to discuss - questions - opinions - feedback - personal stories (will remain confidential) - advice - just to say "Hello!" - anything else you can think of Also, don't be afraid to comment on any of the posts either! It's welcomed ...

I have this friend, whom I love, but I had to distance myself from. She’s a wonderful person but she was always so negative about everything. It was always such a downer. I'm generally a happy and bubbly person but jeeeeze, that sort of negativity always popped my bubble of sunshine. Any time something didn’t go her way she always said God was punishing her or that God hated her. Even when something good did come her way she found a way to turn it into something negative.  When she and I would hang out I would do my best to try to get her see things differently or show her to look at things in a more positive light, but she would have nothing to do with it. She would point out the negative aspect and focus solely on that. I had lent her a serious amount of money, so she could get herself out of a tight spot she was in and while she was grateful in the beginning, it didn’t last long. Later on down the road, like a month or so later, she said something along the lines of how...

How do you tell your significant other you have anxiety? Do you tell them at all? Should you tell them? Those are questions I've often wondered. I've been in quite a few relationships and I've taken different approaches.What I've found is that, for myself, it's better to be upfront and honest about it. For a time I was absolutely ashamed of the fact that I suffered from social anxiety and having to tell someone that left me feeling so vulnerable. Vulnerable to judgement and ridicule. I was so afraid that my partner would either make fun of me, belittle me or leave me that I would keep that little fact to myself and fight through whatever may come our way. More often than not, it didn't work. I was making up ridiculous excuses to not do something or go out so that I wouldn't have to explain to them it was my anxiety making me feel this way. I don't know when I made the decision to be forward about it I just remember doing it and that's what I...

As many of you may know, combating your anxiety in the workplace is no easy task. You might find it ironic that I suffer from social anxiety and I work in retail. Hell, even I find it ironic but it’s where I most fit in. Years ago, when I first started my job search I wanted to avoid contact with people as much as possible. I thought that a work from home job, a desk job at a small office or a receptionist would be the perfect place for me. Little did I know that working in retail was just what I needed to help combat my social anxiety. It truly has been the one thing that has helped me the most. Besides years of therapy, of course. While therapy gave me the tools to overcome the anxiety, it was ME who had to put them to use. One of the biggest challenges that I’ve faced was trying to open a line of communication with people. Generally, I would love to avoid talking to people in the first place but since it’s literally my job, I had to get over that pretty quickly. Every day ...

Making new friends is tough. Especially for someone who has such crippling anxiety. These last couple of months I’ve been enduring some of the worse anxiety I’ve had in a while.  One of my best friends is getting married and I am one of 6 bridesmaids. Which is all fine and dandy except for the fact that I have to interact with all of them on many an occasion.  I’ve had to endure dress fittings, brunches, movie & t-shirt decorating parties, long distance drives, and bridal showers.  These things are not out of the ordinary for a bridesmaid but to me it’s almost been torture.  I’ve been so self conscious about not only my body, but about how I talk, what my laugh sounds like, what my makeup looks like, how I’m acting. I’m constantly worrying about whether I’m talking too loudly or laughing too obnoxiously. I’m worried about saying the wrong thing or oversharing. Every time I’m with the girls I’m in this constant state of anxiety.  I will say ...

I just heard of Kate Spades passing. Did you know she suffered from depression? I didn’t. (For those of you who don’t know, Kate Spade was a designer.) She was found in her apartment in NY, an apparent suicide. It just goes to show that mental disorders can affect anyone. It doesn’t matter what your skin color is, what your religion is, what your gender is. I also read an article this morning about how someone had made a post about how we as a society don’t talk about mental illness like we would any other illness and how we don’t treat mental illness like we treat those who have an “actual disease” and it got me thinking about how absolutely true that is. From what I’ve seen these days people around my age (early twenties) acknowledge it more so than some of the older generations. We’ve definitely taken a step forwards in some regards because mental illness is showing up more in movies and TV shows like 13 Reasons Why but again, it’s not really talked about. Only when...

Good Morning! I apologize once again for not writing in a while, I've been dealing with a family emergency. Although, I've come to the conclusion that I've actually not been dealing with the recent situation in the most healthy way I could. I've reverted to the same tactics I usually do when going through some sort of crisis. It's been a pretty difficult time for the entire family and we've all been trying to be strong for one another and hold ourselves together... Perhaps I should offer some back story. My grandfather, who lives with me, my mom and dad, had a massive stroke about two weeks ago. He has been in the hospital trying to recover (and still is). He hasn't gotten better and he also hasn't gotten worse. But it's extremely hard to see him looking so sickly and old. The condition is a lot worse than I will explain here but needless to say, he isn't doing well and at this point we're just trying to make him as comfortable as p...

Good Morning! Let's make some moves, shall we!? How else are you supposed to make progress? That's right, you don't. Simple as that. Whether it be regarding the anxiety, co-dependency, getting a job, going to school, you cannot move forward unless you start taking action. If you don't take the necessary steps to move forward you aren't going to make any progress. You'll still be in the same place you are. Think of it as a plateau. You aren't moving backwards but you also aren't moving forwards either. For a while all I was doing was complaining about where I was in my life. I was complaining about my job and my crap relationship and how my life wasn't going anywhere. I was going to my therapist week after week talking about the same thing over and over again. It wasn't until I was a couple of weeks in that she had brought it to my attention that that's all I was doing. Complaining. Complaining about my problems wasn't going to fix...

Hello! *Heads up! It's a long one!* So this evening I wanted to talk about relationships. There are so many of them, aren't there? The relationship we have with family members, friends, coworkers, partners, ourselves. Each relationship helps shape us into who we are. Or have helps us see what we don't want to become. They test us, they challenge us, they change us, they help us grow.  Sometimes we get lucky and have long lasting, healthy relationships with the people who come into our lives. Some come into our life by chance and others we are born into. Despite all the therapy, there are times when we (I) enter into relationships that we (I) know are damaging and toxic and those are the relationships I want to talk about today. If you're lucky you won't ever have to experience a toxic relationship and I pray that you don't. But I, have not been so fortunate. I have watched my mother for... practically my entire life deal with a toxic person and fun...

Good Morning! I'm sorry I hadn't posted last week, I was on vacation! This vacation was something I truly needed and I didn't know how much I needed it until I arrived in Ohio with my family. I had been so stressed our and overwhelmed with the changes that were happening at my job and I was tense and living in a state of anxiousness all the time due to the aspects of my recent breakup. When I got to Ohio, it was like a breath of fresh air. I didn't have to worry about anything and I didn't let myself worry either. It's so easy for us to be consumed by the hustle and bustle of everyday life. We're always on the go, always moving. We become so engrossed in what we're doing that there are times we don't get a moments peace for ourselves. It's exhausting. It's mentally and physically draining. During my trip I sat around this lovely Victorian house with my family, I drank more beer that week than I have in an entire month, I explored a cem...

Morning world! We are all faced with temptations. Not all temptations are bad and not all temptations have to be avoided but this morning I want to talk about the ones that should be avoided. For every person, each temptation is different. Regarding the anxiety, my biggest temptation was sitting at home in my comfort zone. I wanted to avoid people at all costs. I wanted to avoid going out with my friends. Although I knew that in order for me to battle the anxiety I had to go out and expose myself, I fought it every chance I got. I never knew what kind of situation I would end up in if I ventured out my door and I didn't want to find out either. I was always flooding my brain with negative thoughts and made up scenarios of how bad things could be. Regarding the co-dependency, my biggest temptation is texting/calling someone who I ought not to be having contact with. I know that if I did have contact with that person I would be putting myself at risk of falling back into a to...

Good Evening! My job has been recently implementing some changes and they were just put into effect last week. Corporate has decided to get rid of certain positions and alter the pre-existing ones. My position was one of the ones that were eliminated. Ugh. So, unfortunately for me, I am no longer a manager. They've kept me on though so it's not like I've lost my job. I was demoted.  It's got me feeling a type of way and I'm trying very hard not to take it personally because the reality of the situation is that it's not personal. It's business. This change affected all employees of the company who held my position in other stores, not just my store. I've had to remind myself of this like 8 billion times today. I'm finding that I'm really dwelling on the negative a lot today. Dwelling on the negative is one of those pesky automatic thoughts. It's so hard sometimes to break the habit of doing that especially because I've been ...

Hey Y'all! So, I don't really have anything major to report but that's a good thing! The things that I'm struggling with these past few days actually aren't related to anxiety or co-dependency. They are just your run of the mill young adult problems. I have to say though, it feels kind of nice to just feel like a normal girl. A part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. You guys ever feel like things are too good to be true? That it's almost suspicious that things are going well? That's a little bit like how I feel. I've had a pretty good couple of days; no drama, no anxiety, no co-dependency issues. Actually, I feel like how good it's been is going to start giving me anxiety, haha! In all seriousness, I've spent my entire life trying to cope with and manage anxiety. Ever since I can remember, it's been there. Then this year, the ADD and dependent personality disorder comes to light and it's like, ugh! Great! Another thing fo...

Guilt McGuilterson should be my new name. I might legally change it, in fact. Kidding! I just have to say, I am the queen of being guilted. It’s honestly so easy to guilt me into anything. I’m always so concerned about being “the good friend” or the “good employee” or the “good girlfriend” that I let people take advantage of my “good” side. Throughout my entire life, I’ve been easily persuaded and I have been the perfect target for people who want to take advantage of me. I rarely say no. I rarely stand up for myself. I always get myself into a situation I would have liked to avoid. I always end up doing things for people that I didn’t want to do. I always end up going places that I didn’t want to. This was mainly prevalent in my workplace and with my partners. At my old job, if someone called out and I was off that day, I would be the first person they called. Certain times, I didn’t mind being called in because I liked having the money but after a while it became so often t...

Hey Guys! I'm not sure how many of you my posts are reaching but I'm really curious to know who's out there and if these posts are helpful to you. I would also love to know if there are specific things that maybe you'd like to ask that I can answer for you or maybe there's a specific topic that you'd like to see a post about. I want each and every one of you to benefit from my page so please don't be afraid to shoot me a message or leave a comment on any of the posts. If you'd like to remain anonymous there is a contact box on the left hand side of my page that lets you message me directly. That box is there for YOU! Also, if you feel like any of these posts aren't giving you what you're looking for, let me know! If you want to share a similar experience you've had, let me know! If you are just looking for someone to chat with, let me know! I'm here for you! Don't be shy! I'd love to hear what you guys have to say! (If you do ...

I quote my mother a lot, but it’s because she is a pretty wise woman whom I look up to very much. She will say to me, “Nothing changes if nothing changes,” and she’s absolutely right. She and I had been talking recently about my life and where it’s headed and I had said to her that I feel like I had gone backwards. I feel like I had taken two steps forward and then was catapulted back to where I was years ago; dating the same type of guy, stuck at a crappy job that was making me miserable, complaining about how nothings working out for me. She said that if I don’t make the necessary changes that I need to then nothing’s going to change. I have to change my own circumstances. I have all the power within me and only when I decide to make the changes, would anything change. You see, only we have power over ourselves. No one else. Nothing else. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, we’ve got the power inside of us. We just have to be strong enough to take our power back and use it. I’ve ...

The reading from my book today was about caretaking- taking care of someone else's needs above your own. In doing so we neglect ourselves.  It got me thinking... I do this a lot. In pretty much all of my relationships. My relationships with my friends, my partners, and sometimes my coworkers. I am constantly looking out for them. I know it's not always a bad thing to look out for friends, that's what in turn makes us a good friend. We need to be careful though because we can forgot to take care of ourselves in the process. I'm learning that there is fine line and it's not always clear where that line is.  In my recent romantic relationship I've noticed that I've spent so much time taking care of my boyfriend that I've become careless with my self. I had put so much time, effort and energy into him that I forgot to put time and effort into myself. If he needed money, I'd give him money, full well knowing that I wouldn't have much left for...

Hey Y'all! Something I'd like to talk about is Dependent Personality Disorder. For those of you who don't know what that is, no worries, I'm here to tell you! Psychology Today says, "Dependent personality disorder is a psychiatric condition marked by an overreliance on other people to meet one's emotional and physical needs." Symptoms include: 1. Difficulty making decisions 2. Submissiveness 3. Problems expressing disagreements with others 4. Avoiding personal responsibility 5. Avoiding being alone 6. Preoccupied with fears of being alone 7. Easily hurt by criticism/disapproval 8. Willingness to tolerate mistreatment and abuse from others See the full article here : http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/dependent-personality-disorder While in therapy, I had talked with my therapist about being co-dependent but we never fully explored the topic because I was preoccupied with trying to manage the anxiety. But here I am a few years l...

Good Evening! Well, it's been quite a while since I've posted here. Almost a year, actually. I'm glad to be back. There's been a lot going on over the months and coming back to this blog feels really good. When I first started this blog I was in the midst of recovery (from anxiety) and I was really enjoying being able to come here and post about my experiences and offer advice to you all. It was almost like a little escape from the big bad world that I was living in. Therapy was going very well, I was doing well at my job and I was working on getting myself out of a pretty crappy relationship, so I didn't really feel the need to come on as often. But now, things have taken a turn and I went backwards a little bit so I've come back to my blog to help myself and hopefully help you guys along the way. I look forward to posting (hopefully) regularly and keeping you guys updated on my progress. Stay tuned! With Love & Support, Anxiety Girl - xoxo