Fake It Till You Make It

I’m not a natural born leader. Some people have the ability to lead in their blood. My best friend, for example, is a natural born leader. She has a strong personality and people follow her willingly without her having to try. 

For me, it’s a learned skill. One that I’m still learning in fact and one that I’m not the best at. Having the anxiety tied in with the fact that I also have a low self esteem and low sense of self worth make leading even harder. If I don’t believe in myself how can I expect others to believe in me? 

There are days at work where I’d have to make a tough call and act as a manger and not as just a coworker or a friend. 

When it comes to “calling someone out” I chicken out and I’ll lean on a superior to make that tough call for me. 

I knew that if I really wanted to succeed at being a good manager I’d have to deal with those situations myself. The reason I would always pass the job onto a superior is because I didn’t have the confidence in myself to do it. I was always second guessing myself and I would get in my head and psych myself out of doing it. 

When I would talk to my mom about it she would tell me to fake it till I make it. Meaning, act confident even if i wasn’t. The other person didn’t have to know I wasn’t feeling confident. Some days it worked and other days it didn’t. They seem like such silly words to live by but they had some truth to them. 

My mom would say that if you do something long enough you’ll start to believe it and I guess that was her way of trying to help me build up that confidence. You see, the confidence is there I just had to believe it myself. 

I still don’t have the confidence in myself that other people have in me and it’s a struggle every day to try and convince myself that I am confident. 

About 6-7 months ago my position was eliminated and I was no longer a manager. So, for 6-7 months I didn’t have to worry about having those difficult talks or make those tough calls anymore and there wasn’t any real need for me to fake it till I make it. 

Fast forward to present day, today, and I was back to managing again. It’s only temporarily for the holiday season but fact of the matter is that I am in a management position again where I’d be called upon to once again make the calls and have the talks. It was something I’ve been dreading since I decided to take the position. In those few months, my confidence (and fake confidence) dwindled and here I am now wondering how I’m going to be able to do this job again. 

At one point today, I heard my mothers voice. She was telling me to fake it till I make it. And so I tried. I put on some fake confidence and handled the day. 

Yeah I had my moments where I second guessed myself but I tried to quickly shake it off. I know that this time has to be different. I know that this time I have to deliver results. I learned from the last time when I managed that there are things that I can’t let slide regardless of my anxiety, self esteem or self worth. I have to try and leave those things at the door and come into work with a renewed outlook. 

I’m hoping that If I do this long enough I’ll start believing in myself again and I’ll start to become the successful manager I know I can be. 

To all of you out there like me, just keep faking it till you make it! 

With love & support,

Anxiety Girl - xoxo