Lessons to Learn

There must be something I’m not learning from all of these relationships or something that I’m not accepting about these relationships because I keep finding myself in the same ones over and over again.

Today’s reading in The Language of Letting Go was about surrender. It was about overcoming our current circumstance and how the circumstance we are in right now holds a valuable lesson for us even if we don’t know what that lesson is now. The reading also says, “We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.”

So, until I learn my lesson I have a feeling that I’m going to end up in this endless loop of damaged no good men. I also have a feeling that the lessons I must learn are how to put up boundaries and self-advocate. I know that those are the two things that I struggle with not only in my relationships but in my everyday life. Another lesson could be that I can’t change these men no matter how hard I try or how much I want to. Their growth is out of my hands and out of my control. Maybe until I learn to accept that, fully accept that, I will constantly find myself in the same types of relationships. 

I’m writing this and I’ve just had a thought… In the last two jobs I’ve had I’ve also not spoken up for myself and perhaps the reason for those two jobs in particular was to teach me to self-advocate as well. 

This seems to be a recurring theme in my life. 

All my life I’ve avoided confrontation and conflict. I wanted to avoid any uncomfortable feelings that I would experience by having difficult conversations because I always presumed that those talks would inevitably turn into a fight. I avoided the hard conversations in my relationships because I didn’t want to cause any upheaval or distress to my partner thus resulting in me being caught in uncomfortable spots or troubling situations. At work I’ve also avoided having tough conversations because I didn’t want to deal with any backlash or awkwardness from my associate. In doing so, I’ve not been true to myself and my own feelings. I suffered silently just to keep the peace. I know now that it’s unhealthy and that’s no way to live my life.

I don’t want to have this revolving door of bad relationships and jobs so I’m going to try to overcome my discomfort and little by little set boundaries and speak up when I feel those lines are being crossed. 

If any of you find yourself in the same boat as me, well grab an oar and let’s paddle ourselves to the shore and get off this damn thing! 

"Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I'm learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient."

-Affirmation from today's reading in The Language of Letting Go

With Love & Support,

Anxiety Girl – xoxo