All the Feels
Good Morning!
I apologize once again for not writing in a while, I've been dealing with a family emergency.
Although, I've come to the conclusion that I've actually not been dealing with the recent situation in the most healthy way I could. I've reverted to the same tactics I usually do when going through some sort of crisis.
It's been a pretty difficult time for the entire family and we've all been trying to be strong for one another and hold ourselves together... Perhaps I should offer some back story.
My grandfather, who lives with me, my mom and dad, had a massive stroke about two weeks ago. He has been in the hospital trying to recover (and still is). He hasn't gotten better and he also hasn't gotten worse. But it's extremely hard to see him looking so sickly and old. The condition is a lot worse than I will explain here but needless to say, he isn't doing well and at this point we're just trying to make him as comfortable as possible.
So, like I said, we've all been doing our best to keep a level head and be there for one another. It's very taxing honestly and each of us has had our little outbursts because keeping in our emotions has been rough. It's a lot of work trying to hold it together for the sake of our family members.
Anyways, after two separate visits with my therapist, it was clear that I've not been really letting myself feel my emotions and I've been allowing myself to live in a fairy-tale state of mind.
I know that I've mentioned before that we need to let ourselves feel our emotions but this time it was a lot harder to let myself do that because of the severity of the situation. It also felt like if I let myself feel then it would make everything so real. I did what I could to not think about how I felt. I just drank a lot and I met up with my trash ex (twice) to distract myself. I know that avoiding these feelings isn't going to solve anything, they aren't going away, and they will still be there when I stop drinking and they will still be there when I'm not with my ex.
My fairy-tale thinking was also not going to stop the inevitable from happening. I always had a tendency of viewing the world with rose colored glasses. I always had unreasonable expectations for how things should be. Like all people have a good heart and that nothing bad happens to good people and so on. It was very unrealistic of me to think that my grandpa would just get out of the hospital bed after a week and come back home and everything would go back to normal. The reality of the situation is that he won't, things won't go back to normal, he'll never talk again, and chances are slim that he will regain full movement on his right side. That piece of information is really hard to swallow. It's hard to accept. And for 11 days, I refused to accept that this was the reality. I refused to accept also, that he might not make it out of this. I didn't want it to be real. The fact of the matter, though, is that it was real and my not wanting to admit that was not going to change the reality or change the outcome.
My last session with my therapist I cried for the entire hour. I sat right on the couch and just cried and cried and cried my little heart out. I accepted the reality. I let myself feel angry and sad. I let myself feel for the first time since the stroke. I'm not going to sit here and say that now I'm 100% better and everything is okay now because it's not and I'm not. But I learned that I can't always hide behind the rose colored glasses, I can't avoid painful feelings, and I can't drink my problems or feelings away.
Avoiding is just prolonging the inevitable because at some point or another we have to face how we feel or we will self destruct.
I would like to point out that:
1. It's okay to cry- it doesn't make you weak.
2. All your feelings are valid. You feel how you feel and that's okay.
Also, finding healthy ways to deal with stressful events are a must. We don't want anyone self destructing!
- Clean
- Draw
- Write
- Color
- Dance
- Jog
- Work out
With Love & Support,
Anxiety Girl - xoxo
P.S. Thanks for letting me vent a little!
I apologize once again for not writing in a while, I've been dealing with a family emergency.
Although, I've come to the conclusion that I've actually not been dealing with the recent situation in the most healthy way I could. I've reverted to the same tactics I usually do when going through some sort of crisis.
It's been a pretty difficult time for the entire family and we've all been trying to be strong for one another and hold ourselves together... Perhaps I should offer some back story.
My grandfather, who lives with me, my mom and dad, had a massive stroke about two weeks ago. He has been in the hospital trying to recover (and still is). He hasn't gotten better and he also hasn't gotten worse. But it's extremely hard to see him looking so sickly and old. The condition is a lot worse than I will explain here but needless to say, he isn't doing well and at this point we're just trying to make him as comfortable as possible.
So, like I said, we've all been doing our best to keep a level head and be there for one another. It's very taxing honestly and each of us has had our little outbursts because keeping in our emotions has been rough. It's a lot of work trying to hold it together for the sake of our family members.
Anyways, after two separate visits with my therapist, it was clear that I've not been really letting myself feel my emotions and I've been allowing myself to live in a fairy-tale state of mind.
I know that I've mentioned before that we need to let ourselves feel our emotions but this time it was a lot harder to let myself do that because of the severity of the situation. It also felt like if I let myself feel then it would make everything so real. I did what I could to not think about how I felt. I just drank a lot and I met up with my trash ex (twice) to distract myself. I know that avoiding these feelings isn't going to solve anything, they aren't going away, and they will still be there when I stop drinking and they will still be there when I'm not with my ex.
My fairy-tale thinking was also not going to stop the inevitable from happening. I always had a tendency of viewing the world with rose colored glasses. I always had unreasonable expectations for how things should be. Like all people have a good heart and that nothing bad happens to good people and so on. It was very unrealistic of me to think that my grandpa would just get out of the hospital bed after a week and come back home and everything would go back to normal. The reality of the situation is that he won't, things won't go back to normal, he'll never talk again, and chances are slim that he will regain full movement on his right side. That piece of information is really hard to swallow. It's hard to accept. And for 11 days, I refused to accept that this was the reality. I refused to accept also, that he might not make it out of this. I didn't want it to be real. The fact of the matter, though, is that it was real and my not wanting to admit that was not going to change the reality or change the outcome.
My last session with my therapist I cried for the entire hour. I sat right on the couch and just cried and cried and cried my little heart out. I accepted the reality. I let myself feel angry and sad. I let myself feel for the first time since the stroke. I'm not going to sit here and say that now I'm 100% better and everything is okay now because it's not and I'm not. But I learned that I can't always hide behind the rose colored glasses, I can't avoid painful feelings, and I can't drink my problems or feelings away.
Avoiding is just prolonging the inevitable because at some point or another we have to face how we feel or we will self destruct.
I would like to point out that:
1. It's okay to cry- it doesn't make you weak.
2. All your feelings are valid. You feel how you feel and that's okay.
Also, finding healthy ways to deal with stressful events are a must. We don't want anyone self destructing!
- Clean
- Draw
- Write
- Color
- Dance
- Jog
- Work out
With Love & Support,
Anxiety Girl - xoxo
P.S. Thanks for letting me vent a little!
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