A Little Venting Session

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Good Evening!

It’s just after midnight and I got the urge to write a little something. I’m not sure where exactly this blog entry is going but since I hadn’t written in a while, I figured I would drop in.

So, most days I feel like I’m doing alright and other days… not so much. My best friend and I had this plan a while ago that we would get our shit together and move out and move to a new area and start somewhat new lives. We both felt like we needed a fresh start, I guess. Well, that didn’t really work out for either of us. It started out okay but kind of deteriorated along the way. We signed back up for school and took a two semesters of classes. She did great. Me…that’s a whole ‘nother story. I had the attention span of a squirrel on crack so it took me quite a while to get finished with my school work. It didn’t help either that I was taking online classes instead of going on campus. I did really really really bad. I failed like 3 out of 4 classes I took. I pretty much gave up half way through anyways so I wasn’t surprised at all. My BFF did great. Passed her classes. Got good grades too. Until some freak thing happened and as it turned out, her classes didn’t count towards her degree. That was pretty damn lame but nothing she could do about it.

Fast forward a little bit… we gave up for a while. We just kept working and moving along like we had been. She never gave up the dream of moving. I did. I mean, hell yeah I’d love to go but financially there’s no way I could make it work. Plus, with the anxiety, I wasn’t sure I would follow through even if I hadn’t flunked out of school. Anyways, she didn’t give up, and to this day it’s still part of her plan… but get this… she decided she was going to take her other friend with her. Now, on one hand I get that because I certainly wasn’t making any progress or taking any initiative to move forward in my life so I understand that she’d want to make the move with someone else. BUT on the other hand it kind of feels like a slap in the face. Like welp, she’s not coming so might as well just take someone else. It makes you feel pretty bad, honestly. It felt like she didn’t really care all that much. Now I realize that this probably sounds silly to be upset over but my feelings were hurt. Now all of a sudden everything was about her and Katie.* It was all me and Katie this, me and Katie that. Ugh. I felt kind of tossed aside. For someone who is supposed to be my best friend… it sucked! Again, I can understand her side but nonetheless, I felt like crap.

Fast forward again…. There I was thinking about my path in life and where I’m going and if I’ll ever get there. I was driving home from work and something clicked in my brain.

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

I was like “HELL YEAH BRAIN!” I shook off my feelings for a second and I told myself, “Self, it doesn’t matter if it takes you 4 years or 6 years or even 9 years…you’ll get where you’re going. You just gotta keep on!”

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to keep on.

You see, my best friend decided her next option would be to take a 5 week class in something ridiculous (to me) and she wanted me to do it with her. I told her no because I didn’t want to waste my time and money on something that I wasn’t going to be happy with. I know what I WANT to do and what I want to be I just have to actually get there. So anyways, she took that class with Katie instead. Again, feelings kind of hurt there but I decided that I wasn’t going to let it get me all worked up. I just reminded myself that I’ll get to where I wanna be in my own time. It might not be tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year but I WILL get there.

I guess today was one of those days where I lost sight of that whole thing. I guess I just feel kind of stuck. I think writing this entry kind put things back into perspective for me.

Thanks for reading and sorry if it wasn’t exactly helpful.

Maybe something you can take away from this is to keep on keepin’ on! Keep pushing forward and never lose sight of what you want.

With Love & Support,

Anxiety Girl - xoxo

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