Feel No Shame

Living with anxiety is hard and trying to understand why we have it is harder still… but one of the hardest things (to me) is explaining it to someone.

The other day I was out with a friend and they asked me why I don’t go out a lot. I had a mini heart attack because I hate that question. I hate being asked why I don’t go out, why I don’t want to go to a club or a bar or to go dancing or anything even similar to those questions. I hate them because sometimes I’m still embarrassed of my answer. I hate having to say “I have anxiety.” So many times I’ve been asked this and when I do say “I have anxiety,” the person just looks at me like “okay…?” But, I told him the truth. I said that I’ve got social anxiety. He looked at me and was like “Damn! I used to have social anxiety too!”  He went on to explain why he had it and while it made me feel a little better but I don’t think I actually fully believed him. It’s just that I’ve heard that a lot and usually it’s nothing like what I go through on a daily basis. But, his response wasn’t exactly what I was expecting but it was better than what I’m used to hearing.

The usual responses are:

1.      Everyone has anxiety, just don’t worry so much.

2.      I get anxiety too but if you want to do something you should just do it.

3.      Just try and get over it. (my favorite response! Like thanks, I wish I thought of that!) ((total sarcasm by the way!))

Sometimes, they don’t really say anything, they are just like, “oh.” That makes me feel even worse because it’s like I already feel like weird by saying that I have anxiety and you have literally done nothing to make me feel better about it.

I don’t know why people react the way they do when they learn someone has anxiety. Maybe they think It’s all made up. I don’t know.

I’ve tried to explain that I understand that everyone gets anxious and being anxious about something is normal… but to the degree of how I feel is NOT normal. I am legitimately anxious about everything and anything. (socially, because I have social anxiety). I’ve tried explaining that when I’m in certain social situations I get dry mouth, clammy hands, my voice gets shaky and scratchy. I struggle making eye contact with people, I struggle to hold a conversation. I get quiet in social gatherings because I’m afraid I’ll say something stupid or I’ll just be awkward. I stick with one person that I know because I’m afraid to be left alone. I don’t like to be left alone because I don’t know how to act when I’m by myself. I don’t even like to go to the bathroom in restaurants or bars by myself because I feel like everyone is watching me. I try explaining all of this and it just makes me feel like a defective person and like I’m going to be judged.

Sometimes, I don’t really care what people are going to say when I tell them because their opinion or thoughts are irrelevant so I just move on. But other times, when I actually care about someone or have feelings for them, I hate having to explain myself because I feel like if I tell them then they won’t want anything to do with me. I’ve decided though, that if I tell someone and they say any of the above “usual responses,” then I don’t want them in my life nor do I need them in my life.

I still have a hard time telling people so I don’t just share it with everyone. I share it with the ones I trust, who I think deserve to know. I share it with the people who I want to know who the real me is. If it’s just any ole person who asks me why I don’t go out or why I don’t want to do something, I just tell them it’s because I’m not really interested in that and I think that’s perfectly okay. I know that we just want to be accepted by everyone but it’s not always the case. There are just some people out there who will never understand our situation and I’m not going to waste my breath trying to make them understand.

Also, I’m not saying that you can’t tell everyone and anyone. You definitely can. If you want to tell every person you meet that, then go ahead! If you’ve got that confidence then by all means, tell Facebook, tell Twitter, Snapchat it, do your thing! I am rooting for you guys! But until I am that confident, I will continue to pick and choose wisely who I share it with. For those of you who are like me, then… welcome to the club!

My advice to you is to not feel any shame when you tell someone. How they react or what they say determines whether that person is supposed to belong in your life. When you’re out there searching for your significant other (or even just a friend) keep in mind that the “right person” won’t care that you’ve got anxiety. They will love you regardless. When that person comes along and accepts that part of you, then you’ll know you’ve found the person that is meant to be in your life. Don’t give up trying to find your person just because you’re afraid of what they might think. You will never know if you don’t tell them. Anxiety isn’t just a part of your life, it’s a part of who you are and that pat of you deserves to be loved too. I think it’s important to share that part of you with someone and although it might be tough to let it all out I think that it’s something that you should do.

Keep on searchin’ my lovelies!

With Love & Support,

Anxiety Girl - xoxo