A Co-Dependent Experience

           Recently, I’ve had some trouble following my own advice. Why is it that it seems so much easier to dole out advice than to follow it? I honestly don’t even know that answer. But the fact remains true. I could totally go Dr. Phil on you and get into some deep emotional stuff but as soon as that advice pertains to my life, all of it goes straight out the window.

            Anyways, I digress. I made a post (quite a while ago it seems) about co-dependency and being independent and I was really diggin’ my own stuff for a while there. But, somehow I managed to stray from the path that I was trying to get y’all to follow.

            I split from my boyfriend of six years, I reenrolled in school, I got my own car, I was doing pretty well. Then, BAM. I have no idea what happened but I fell into the black hole of co-dependency. I met someone new. (Let’s call him “Jesse”) Now, Jesse was very nice. He was sweet, funny, kind and totally HOT! We hit it off right away and we decided to meet up for pizza and a game of pool. It went so great! After that night, we decided that it would be fun to meet up again later in the week. And we did. Then, after that night had gone really well, we decided why not hang out again? And so we did.

*que the intense scary music* DUN DUN DUN!

           Things all of a sudden weren’t going so well. The good morning texts stopped. His responses became curt or his responses became non-existent. Plans fell through with no explanation until HOURS later.

            My mind was racing with all these negative thoughts. They were tearing me up inside. I was doubting myself.

-          Was I coming on too strong?

-          Am I boring and so he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore?

-          Oh my gosh, I bet he thinks I’m being clingy.

-          Maybe, all he wants is something sexual and I’m not giving it to him.

-          He’s a couple years older than me so maybe he thinks I’m too immature.

-          Maybe he’s met another girl.

-          What if he’s telling all of friends how annoying, or fat, or clingy or ugly I am and they are laughing about it?

So many different thoughts were running through my mind. My co-dependent brain had already started to dig into Jesse. All of a sudden my brain was going into overdrive over this guy who I had only hung out with three or four times. Yes, we had fun. Yes, we got along pretty well. Yes, we could hold a pretty decent conversation. But, in no way had we decided we’d “date” or anything else like that. The only thing we decided to do was to hang out. So why in the world was my co-dependency taking such a tight grip onto Jesse? (At the time I was like "OMG why!? But, it was the co-dependency, obviously. Duh! No explanation needed)

It’s quite frustrating. Especially because when a friend was going through something similar I had told her that she deserves better than how this guy is treating her. The “one” is out there waiting for her and he will come to her when the time is right. I told her not to get attached to this guy because from what she was telling me, he didn’t seem like a decent enough guy to deserve my friend.  I just couldn’t seem to follow my own advice.

It’s pretty easy to sit at my computer and offer advice to anyone who wants or needs it but applying it to your own life is the hardest thing of all. Most of the time, the advice I give is based on my own experiences. Some things, I’m STILL struggling with. It’s still a learning process for me. But sometimes, through my own experiences, YOU guys can learn. What to do. What not to do. Things like that.

Throughout this whole thing with Jesse, I have put my own advice to the test. I failed, obviously. But it’s another learning experience under my belt. And honestly, I’m happy about it.

One thing I learned was that, even with a severe anxiety like mine, I am capable of meeting new people. The second thing I learned was that I am capable of being on my own. Third, I am okay stepping out of my comfort zone; I didn’t die or burst into flames or melt! Fourth, I’ll be okay driving a further distance than I have before. (Jesse lived further away than I originally anticipated.)

At this moment in time, I’m slowly letting go of Jesse. Yes, there are still times when I look at my phone hoping I got a text from him. Yes, there are moments when all I can think of is him. Sometimes, I really can’t stand being alone. Some days are worse than others and on those days, I look at my phone and hope to see Jesse’s name pop up. Funny enough though, I don’t really think it’s Jesse that I miss. It’s the companionship that I miss. Someone to do couple-y things with. Someone to have to talk to about your day.

There are things you go through in life and you think to yourself that the one thing that make it better is having someone to share these things with. Whether it be something sad, happy, exciting, etc., it just seems like it would be much better to share those things with someone. But my friend told me recently, “You don’t need a guy. You have your family and your friends. And you have me.” And you know what, she was right. I have my family and friends to share those special moments with. I will never forget those words. Ever. The past few days, I repeated those words over and over in my head. And slowly but surely, I’m believing them more and more.

You know, sometimes I think we have to go through these things again to remind us of the path that we are meant to be on. Each experience we have, good or bad, is helping us. I also think that what I went through with Jesse was reinforcing the fact that I can overcome the co-dependency. I can stand on my own two feet. I can be independent!

Here’s to breaking the co-dependent cycle! It’s going to be a long and bumpy road but we will persevere!

With Love & Support,

Anxiety Girl - xoxo