Feelings Shmeelings! *insert eye roll*

     Recently, I’ve been going through some things. I experienced my first breakup in a year. The only thing I know that actually makes me feel better is being able to write it down. So here we go:

     My boyfriend, now ex, has a drug addiction and he was struggling for a while to keep a level head. I made it my mission to help out in any way and every way that I could. He kept a lot of stuff to himself and I can’t blame him for that because I do it too. I told him that writing helps me and I asked him to give it a shot. He did. He wrote raps mainly but it allowed him to express himself in a way where there wouldn’t be any judgement for what came out. It was amazing. I really thought that it was going to make a difference. He let me read some of his stuff and man I tell ya, it was some dark stuff. I knew drug addiction was like that. Messy and dark and consuming but reading how it affected him made me realize the seriousness of it. Anyways, he was taking it rough and it ultimately led to our breakup. Thinking back on it, I understand why he didn’t want me to be involved and I’ve made peace with that. When it happened though, I wasn’t so understanding. I was angry and sad and heartbroken and for quite a few nights I didn’t sleep. When we broke up he told me exactly why it had to be this way but for some reason I wouldn’t allow myself to believe it. I kept thinking that it was something that I had done. That it was MY fault. I imagined every possibility under the sun of what I had done to provoke such a thing. I refused to believe that it was because of his addiction. The first night I would replay our relationship over in my mind trying to pinpoint the exact moment in which he decided that we couldn’t go on. By the second or third night I wanted to avoid thinking about him completely. I refused to sleep because I knew the moment I laid down I would be consumed by all the things that happened in our relationship. I kept myself busy by working and by staying up watching Netflix. I would only fall asleep when I had reached the point of pure exhaustion. By fifth night I had actually gotten a decent amount of sleep and the next morning I felt much better. I had a clear mind. That night my brain had an actual chance to process what had happened. That day I was able to actually think straight about the breakup. I took a step back from the situation and I was able to see that he really had done what was best for him. I can’t pretend to understand the gravity of his situation but I can appreciate that he needed to do what was best for him and his sobriety. If this was what he had chosen then nothing I did or said was going to change his mind. Because of the anxiety mixed with the co-dependency it was hard for me to separate myself from the equation. It was hard for me to believe what he was telling me. (Some of that stems from being in a crap relationship previously).

     Basically, what I’m trying to get at is, we have to be able to give ourselves time to process things and then we can begin healing. Not thinking about that relationship sounded like the best thing in the world. If I didn’t think about it then it won’t hurt. I realized though, that I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t healthy. I had to go through the grieving process. I had to allow myself the time to work through it. It sucked and I cried a lot. Like a lot. A very ugly cry too. But I did it. I cried and I eventually felt better. I wiped my eyes, I blew my nose, I took a deep breath and I knew that I was going to be okay. I can now say that I was grateful for the time that I got to spend with him. I don’t regret a single moment.

     Like I’ve said before, there’s a lesson in everything. At this time, I’m not exactly sure what my lesson was but I’m eager to know what it was. Maybe he needed to learn something too. Maybe he had something to gain from our relationship. Knowing that, I feel good now. I do believe that people cross our paths for a reason and that meeting isn’t a mistake.

“Don’t hide from your feelings. Press into them. Learn from them. Grow from them.”

-Unknown

With Love & Support,

Anxiety Girl - xoxo